Relationships Change…

What do you love especially in a companion; friend; partner to enjoy their company for just a moment in time. Others decide to spend even more time than usual opting to move in together, get engaged and possibly look towards getting married.

All these changes occur in any relationship a person has to exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences as we communicate and share our daily life events. Life events seem to change our way of being in the world at times, when we can lose sight of each other and not know if we are going to meet our familiar partner we once knew from long ago or another person who has become more of a stranger as time goes on.

It does not matter if you are single or in a partnership; loneliness can challenge a lot of people with a busy life style. We can meet and live a person, but what happens when you wake up next to a stranger and yet still love them for who they were from your past. Do you still know them and if you do, could it be you just may not know yourself at this moment in time compared to who you once were ten or twenty years ago?

Time changes each of us. What would you like to do? I know looking at our self can be difficult, especially when you do not know what you are going find and whether we can accept; love or reject that part of us inside we find. Even more difficult, is when you see your partner struggling in their own dilemmas, it can be a number of issues related to work or home and yet you have your own problems too.

Are you able to communicate with each other or just share a space to feel connected instead in the hope issues will resolve themselves given a period of time change will happen…eventually? Then again they could get worse and where does it begin or even end?

These are the changes in any relationship. Is this team not working together? Or separately and maybe slowly drifting apart? It can be the elephant in the room or  even similar to a boa constrict silently strangling the relationship, but neither of you knows were to start, just because there is too much to deal with and so little time to deal with the problem. Time takes it toll on any relationship, with the daily pressures or work and family; no time to sit; think or time to talk…

The next item on your own agenda always seems to be more important than spending time together, to find out where the problems are and how to tackle each issue without regressing into a teenage argument, as to who is right or wrong. Again…nothing gets resolved as so it begins again, neither of you say anything until the next opportunity comes around again and attempt to do something differently in the hope something will change and the stranger slowly turns into your old familiar partner you still once loved as before the chaos and confusion. Until something else happens again, becomes an issue and it starts all over again like an emotional rollercoaster with enduring pain by working with the high’s and low’s.

That is life and yes, we all change in a relationship, but there comes a point when it really is time to stop going around in circles each time there is a problem and start looking at ourselves differently either as an individual or as a couple to create a successful future in life.

Let’s see if we can iron out the creases and deal with all the knots, which have led you here and attempt something healthier and different in therapy.

I look forward to seeing you, soon…

Decades of Childhood Sexual Abuse

I attended a meeting last week, which highlighted the of lack of knowledge regarding child sexual abuse victims and the overall impact abuse has on their lives. Most cases are multiple incidents of abuse, which happend in places of what were perceived as places of safety and trust. We are looking at one in five people being abused in institutions, organisations, schools, churches etc which continued to grow without being stopped; enabling abusers to thrive behind closed doors by stripping individuals of their childhood and security to trust authorative figures. Children still have the right to feel safe without being harmed. Did yours?

Unfortunately, although there are still many incidents still going on in this day and age, but getting this noticed and addressed by people in power means they can stop this now.  In years to come it would be highly unlikely, more victims would be added to this current list. During the time when these children were growing up, they were prevented from being seen or heard; the expression used by grandparents/parents “Don’t air your dirty washing in public”; made people turn a blind eye and silence was used by abusers as leverage for victims not to be believed by others. Who would believe children and what they had to say in those days?  People do not like stigma associated in connection with their institution or organisation.  In a child’s case how many adults does it take to be believed?

Can you imagine as an adult, having had something physically done to you and being told do not to say anything because no one will believe you or how someone close to you maybe threatened or even harmed as a consequence of your actions? Don’t tell, Don’t tell…Can’t tell? Where do you go?  Who do you turn to?  Then your thoughts and behaviour are overwhelmed with feelings surrounding silence, depression, anxiety, isolation, withdrawn, trapped, stress, low self-belief, low self-esteem are all stressors, which have an impact on a persons psychological and emotional state.


Stand up…look down where your hand is…imagine a child that height experiencing those exact same feelings as you, helpless and powerless.  If you are struggling as the adult…Can you imagine how difficult this would be for a child to cope?

Now…you have a greater understanding awareness of how a survivor of any abuse could still feel the same way, decades later as though it happened yesterday.

Childhood issues impacting adulthood

Look out for the new Barnado’s life story TV advert tells the story of Michael, a vulnerable child who has turned his life around with the support of Barnardo’s.   It really depicts how matters not addressed in childhood can impact your later adult life and the impact it has on others if not addressed.

For more details see the following link:

Disclosure of Rape and Child Abuse at Welsh Orphanage

Its was Tuesday the 6th November 2017 – BBC Radio 4 at 2pm Jane Garvey was presenting the Jeremy Vine show covering the topic of the Welsh Orphanage, which is currently at the centre of abuse in the 70’s an 80’s. The discussion centred around victims/suvivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) who were emotionally and physically scarred for life. There were no words other than theirs that could describe the overall chilling account of what had taken place behind closed doors of silence.

One male listener was called “Bobbi”. Bobbi had grown up and was now in a relationship with his partner of many years. What he was able to do, which he had never done was openly speak about the silent abuse he had endured since early childhood at the orphanage. He gave a graphic detailed account of what it was like to be picked as an innocent child at the time, in his case because some children were allowed to visit family or parents during the weekend, there remained those children who had no one and it was on these occassions Bobbi feared the worst. In his account, Sunday he recalled as being the worst, sometimes taken to his abusers on site; at other times he they came to him. Silence did not befriend him into reasurrance that he would remain out of harms way, it was far from that, alone terrified watching the shadows being cast along the corridoors as people quietly walked past, in the hope and belief it would not be him tonight where the shadows might stand still with the door handle twisting quietly to open and hence his life was at the mercy of others once again. Bobbi described how when entered his room alone on these weekends there was no privacy just shame and humiliation, it was a playground for his abusers to do what they wanted to everyone in similar circumstances. He thought after night he might be overlooked as he went to bed, instead suddenly his bed is tipped upwards with two attackers appearing from underneath his bed and he was violently held down by both and raped.

Both the radio presenter and listerners were shocked in what they had heard from a victim who had never had the courage to disclose what had happened in childhood before. The effects of CSA on his life has left him a legacy of being unable to trust other people, emotional and psychological issues, which prevents him at times from working or engaging with others in his community, he leads a silent exsistence, which has overall damaged and destroyed him.

The feedback from listeners was overwhelming emotion mainly those expressing themselves that even as regular listeners, they were in tears at what they heard. We hear about CSA, but do people know what it is like to preyed on and be abused or is it easier to believe it does not happen in their community or social circle. CSA has no boundaries, one in four people have been abused and if Bobbi found the courage to finally speak we all should not turn a blind eye for this to continue to be more than one in four.

This blog is to raise any awareness to assist those who are still silent and need a voice.

Reported rapes down in Tandridge

FEWER people in Tandridge are coming forward to report rapes than in previous years, according to Surrey Police.

In 2011, the force received eight reports – one every six and a half weeks. But in 2010 there were 21 reports – or one every two-and-a-half weeks. To date this year, there have been just three reports.

DECLINE:  The number of reported rapes has dropped

DECLINE: The number of reported rapes has dropped

The drop came to light after the Courier & Observer made a request under the Freedom of Information Act.

Oxted-based Catherine Sonaram-Taylor, who runs Clearing Thoughts Counselling centre which helps victims of sexual abuse, said she was concerned by the drop in reported incidents.

She said: “It does concern me more people aren’t coming forward, but at the same time people need a lot of courage and support to report these sorts of crimes.

“I do think that the number of people suffering from rape has not changed. I think it has stayed the same for the last decade. The police are trying to enable victims to come forward, but the process is long and lengthy.

“Victims can be put off of reporting rape and sexual assault because of the process.

“But equally there are people who want to see their attacker brought to justice. I think there needs to be extra support groups to help victims understand that they are not alone and there are others who have gone through it and come out the other end stronger.”

Detective Inspector Juliet Parker of the Surrey Police Sexual Offences Investigation Team, said: “The number of rapes reported nationally has decreased, which could be due to a number of factors including the way in which crime is recorded. Surrey Police continues to have one of the lowest rates for reports of serious sexual assault per head of population in England and Wales.

“Surrey Police treats all allegations of rape and sexual assault seriously and over recent years we have invested significantly in supporting victims.

“Our specialist staff and officers are trained in obtaining the best evidence from victims and will always treat their welfare as paramount.”

Seven of the 21 rape offences reported locally last year were recorded as “no crime”, meaning any alleged offence was no longer considered as rape.

An allegation of rape made in April by a woman in her 30s following an incident in Jenners Field, off Vicarage Road, Lingfield, is still under investigation.

For confidential advice on issues of sexual assault, call 0845 5196168 or e-mail

Source: East Grinstead Courier and Observer.